牛啊 科尔沃 Oh, fuck yeah, Korvo.
你把圣诞树装饰得真漂亮 You decorated the shit out of that tree, baby.
圣诞老人 竞选总统
我太喜欢圣诞季了 泰瑞 I love this time of year, Terry.
让我想起了家乡节日的繁文缛节 It reminds me of all the rule‐heavy Shlorpian holidays from the Homeworld.
每年的狩猎老人活动总让我很兴奋 I used to get so excited for the Annual Elderly Hunt.
家乡风俗最棒了 对吧 Rituals, am I right?
你知道圣诞节的日期 Did you know Christmas is strictly timed
是严格按照地球公转轨道来规定的吗 to the orbital path of the Earth around the sun?
这他妈也太酷了吧 How fucking cool is that?
我们终于达成一致了 圣诞节就是最屌的 For once, we can agree. Christmas is the shit!
有数不清的糖果和热销商品 There's so much candy and hot merch.
舞起来 拉屎的圣诞老人 Get your groove on, Crappin' Santa.
给我拉一杯热可可 Dump that hot cocoa.
又黑暗又有巧克力味... So dark, so chocolate...
你们在说圣诞节吗 我超爱礼物 You guys talking about Christmas? I love presents!
都不知道是收礼物更好 I don't know what's better,
还是退回商店换信用额更好了 getting them or returning them for store credit?
我喜欢我们能杀死一棵树 And I love that we got to kill a tree.
还能把它的尸体摆在家里 And that we're keeping its body in the house.
听起来我们都爱圣诞节 Sounds like we all love Christmas.
除了蛹仔 All of us except the Pupa.
他每年这时候总是突然消失 He always just disappears around this time,
因为他讨厌圣诞节 because he hates Christmas.
圣诞节最棒了 蛹仔 Christmas is the tits, Pupa.
你到底有什么问题 What is your problem?
别这样 蛹仔 Come on, Pupa,
别像你毁了斋月一样毁掉圣诞 don't ruin this like you ruined Ramadan for us.
蛹仔 你真是毫无圣诞精神 You've got no Christmas spirit, Pupa.
这可是一年中最美好的时光 It's the most wonderful time of the year,
你这自私的小混蛋 you fucking selfish prick!
我能摇动你的枝桠 你却无法反抗 I could shake your branches and you can't do anything about it,
因为你已经死了 because you're dead.
真丢人 蛹仔 你简直就是格林奇 Shame on you, Pupa. You're such a Grinch.
[童话"圣诞怪杰"中策划偷走圣诞节的绿毛怪]
没错 滚出去 That's right, get outta here!
没找到真正的圣诞精神就别回来了 Don't come back without hella serious Christmas spirit.
你最好带着礼物回来 I wanna see some gifts.
那个小混蛋总会明白圣诞节的真谛 One day, that little jerk will learn the true meaning of Christmas.
你是说拐杖糖和肉丸三明治吗 You mean like candy cane and meatball hot pockets.
你他妈说对了 Fuck yes!
这是"外星也难民"圣诞特辑 It's the Solar Opposites Christmas Special.
斯洛普星是完美的乌托邦 Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
直到被小行星撞击 until the asteroid hit.
100名成年人和他们的孩子分得了一只蛹仔 One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
逃离到太空中 and escaped into, uh, the space,
寻找无人居住的新家园 searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
我们坠毁并滞留在人口已经过剩的地球 We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
没错 是我一直在讲话 That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
是我抱着蛹仔 我叫科尔沃 I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
这是我的节目 This is, this is my show.
我刚丢下了蛹仔 看到我了吗 I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
这真可笑 This is ridiculous.
我讨厌地球 这是个糟糕的家 I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
地球人蠢爆了 他们这么喜欢圣诞节 People are stupid. They love Christmas so much.
你猜怎么着 耶稣是外星人 Well, guess what? Jesus was an alien.
他出生在七月 还对松树过敏 He was born in July, and he's allergic to pine trees.
面对现实吧 Deal with it.
每年的这个时候 我们都会相聚在此 This is the time of year where we are compelled
庆祝我们的主和救主耶稣基督的诞生 to gather and celebrate the light of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
感谢大家为反对节日商业化出力 Thank you all for rejecting the commercialization of the holiday.
只有在教堂 你们的灵魂才能真正得到庇佑 Only here in the house of God can your spirits truly be blessed.
阿门 Amen.
抱歉打断你的祈祷 我... Sorry to interrupt the service. I just...
我犯了大错 I've made a horrible mistake.
我儿子上周出柜了 说他有双性恋倾向 My son came out as a tiny bit bi last week,
我就把他... 踢出了家门 and I... I kicked him out of the house.
我毁了我们的生活 我好想他 I've ruined our lives. I miss him so much.
圣诞节 圣诞节 圣诞... Christmas! Christmas! Christmas! Christ...
给爷他妈的闭嘴 Shut the fuck up!
好了 孩子们 坐到一起 Okay, kids, gather around.
该进行我们的圣诞传统了 It's time for our annual holiday tradition.
谁想看圣诞电影 Who wants to watch a Christmas movie?
我 我 我 Me, me, me, me, me.
我想办法搞到了 I managed to get my grubby little paws
"一路响叮当"的录像带 on a VHS copy of Jingle All the Way.
基督科学箴言报说这是必看电影 The Christian Science Monitor says it's a must‐watch.
先别着急 Hold your butts.
何必呆坐在电视机前 Why watch Jingle All the Way
我们明明可以身临其境 when we can live Jingle All the Way?
还记得我们一起去看的"头号玩家"吗 Remember when we all went and saw Ready Player One?
不记得 只要不是偷走独立宣言的电影 No. But I wipe my mind after seeing any movie
[指尼古拉斯·凯奇主演的动作冒险电影"国家宝藏"]
我都会抹去自己的记忆 where people don't steal the Declaration of Independence.
"头号玩家"里有一幕是 There was one scene in Ready Player One
那个电脑小子进入了"闪灵" where that computer kid went inside The Shining.
等等 他们在电影里插了一部更好的电影 Wait, they just put a better movie inside their movie?
你还要解释很久吗 都已经说半天了 Is this explanation gonna take long? 'Cause it already is.
这个创意很好 That one scene was a good idea.
所以我造出了一样的设备 So I made the same device in real life.
我叫它"头号玩家设备" It's called the Ready Player One Device.
你给设备取的名字也好烂 科尔沃 Your machine names are starting to suck, Korvo.
去你的平胸妹 我才不在乎 Tough tatas, I don't care.
准备迎接节日魔法吧 Prepare for holiday magic!
警 告
我们制定了非常严厉的法律 如果你复制了电视上放的电影什么的 就会让你不好受 如果你把拷贝给了别人 就麻烦大了
如果你做了这种很不好的事 我们一定会发现 说"你是个坏人" 把你送进监狱 并拿走你的电影
一路响叮当
所以我们只是跑到了 So we went from our suburban house
另一栋郊区别墅 真行 to another suburban house? Amazing.
我们为什么都穿成这样 Why are we all dressed like this?
这个机器只能替换一个角色 The device only knows how to replace one character,
所以我们都扮演施瓦辛格的角色 爸爸 so we're all playing Arnold Schwarzenegger's role as the dad.
爸爸们 Hey, Dads.
怎么了 儿子 What's wrong, son?
我想要胳膊和腿都会动的涡轮超人 I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move
他有回旋镖发射器和超酷的喷射背包 and the boomerang shooter and the rock'n roller jet pack
还有会说五句话的逼真的语音激活器 and the realistic voice activator that says five different phrases
比如 "现在是涡轮时间" like, "It's Turbo time!"
配件单独销售 不包含电池 Accessories sold separately, batteries not included.
你说涡轮超人啊 Turbo Man? Yeah, right.
到处都卖光了 毕竟快到圣诞节了 Those are sold out everywhere. It's almost Christmas.
真的吗 这个圣诞一定会超开心 Wow, really? That would make Christmas so great.
不 听着 我是说这不可能... No, no. Listen, I'm saying that would be imposs...
谢谢爸爸们 Thanks, Dads.
看来在电影里 我们的角色同意 I guess in the movie, our character agrees
去买这个蠢玩具 to get this stupid toy?
那他就是个小贱人 Well, then he's a little bitch.
等等 这就是"一路响叮当"的剧情 Wait, this is what Jingle All the Way is about.
没有威尔·法瑞尔的"圣诞精灵"和女士丝袜灯 No Will Ferrell elves or lady leg lamps?
是的 只是关于找一个难买的玩具 No, I guess it's just about buying a hard‐to‐find doll.
给这部电影开绿灯的人一定是嗑大了 Whoever greenlit this movie must have been on so much cocaine.
糟了 等等... 这他妈是怎么了 Oh no. What? Wait, what the... what the fuck?
我中风了吗 Am I having a stroke?
老天爷 请毁掉我的左半边吧 那半边比较丑 Oh God, please take my left side. That's my ugly side.
不 我们只是在移动去下个场景 No, no. We're just moving to the next scene.
肯定马上就超有圣诞气氛了 I bet it's about to get super Christmassy.
促销
行吧 我们好像只是要去购物 Oh, okay, I guess we're just going shopping.
别挡路 我孩子想要涡轮超人玩偶 Outta my way! My kid wants that Turbo Man doll,
没有什么能阻止我 and nothing and nobody is gonna stop me.
那是辛贝吗 Whoa, was that Sinbad?
[在电影中饰演邮递员马鲁]
这电影质量堪忧啊 Ugh, not a good sign for the quality of this film.
这他妈到底是什么鬼 The fuck is this movie?
没有雪 没有装饰物 一点圣诞气息都没有 There's hardly any snow or decorations or anything Christmassy.
对不起了 各位 Oh, sorry, guys.
看来基督科学箴言报的五百佳节日电影 I guess The Christian Science Monitor's 500 Best Holiday Movies list
并不像我以为的那么严谨 wasn't as strictly curated as I assumed.
这太烂了 我们能直接退出吗 This blows. Can we just quit?
你不想为杰米找到那个玩具吗 You don't want to find that toy for Jamie?
去他妈的 我们撤 Fuck it. Let's bail.
简直是浪费圣诞季 Well, that was a waste of yuletide.
我们分头行动吧 做些超有圣诞气息的事 Let's split up and do super Christmassy stuff
摆脱这电影带来的难受劲儿 to get that foul taste of Jingle All the Way out of our mouths.
我先来 我要打给圣诞老人 I call dibs on calling Santa.
把你的信用卡准备好 Ho ho ho! Get your credit card ready.
施粥铺
你拿着什么 小家伙 What you got here, little man?
我不认识他 是你朋友吗 I don't know this guy. He your friend?
看着有点像艾弗雷特 那个双性恋小孩 He kinda looks like Everett, that little bit bi kid
[可能对应鲁伯特·艾弗雷特(Rupert Everett) 公开出柜英国男星 参演"同窗之爱""我最好朋友的婚礼"]
他在汽车客运站上夜班 who's been working nights at the bus station.
他在看着你
格雷琴-达斯购物中心
平价施客
-见到圣诞老人你激动吗 -有点吧 ‐ Are you excited to meet Santa? ‐ Sort of.
我确实喜欢向衣着讲究的陌生人提一堆要求 I mean, I do love giving a list of demands to a well‐dressed stranger.
是啊 但总感觉有些不对劲 Yeah. Something feels off.
来坐在圣诞老人的腿上 Ho ho ho. Come on and sit on Santa's lap.
笑一个 Smile.
你很干渴吧 Yeah, look how dry you are.
我知道你想要 你这饥渴的小婊桦 I know you want this, you thirsty little birch[bitch].
我把水洒了 Ooh, I'm spilling it.
可惜你已经没有根须能湿润了 Too bad you don't have any roots to soak it up.
泰瑞 你好像一点也不乐在其中 Terry, you don't seem into this.
不如你再存50块 我们可以好好聊聊 Why don't you deposit another 50 bucks and we can talk about it?
谁在乎呢 Who even cares?
为什么这样我才会有所感觉 Why is this the only way I can feel something?
我也是 连虐待这棵性感的死树都没意思了 I know. I can't even enjoy abusing this dead, sexy tree.
我本该充满节日喜悦的心 现在只剩空虚 I feel an emptiness where there's usually a glowing ember of holiday joy.
还有点胃酸反流 因为我吃饭没细嚼慢咽 And a little acid reflux because I don't chew my food enough.
有人想和我一起出去被公交车撞吗 Does anybody wanna go outside and get hit by a bus with me?
-我去 -我也去 ‐ Yeah, I'm in. ‐ Me too.
如果是4路公交车就更好了 Especially if it's number four.
等等 Wait!
纯纯的快乐
精神耗竭
圣诞精神
果然和我想的一样 Exactly what I thought.
扫描中 Scanning.
飞船传感器显示 我们的节日精神已完全消失 Ship sensors indicate that our holiday spirit is completely gone.
这不可能 我爱圣诞节 That can't be right. I love Christmas.
是"爱过" Used to love Christmas.
现在节日气氛和我们的快乐都触底了 Now your holly and your jolly have bottomed out.
一定是"一路响叮当"太烂了 Jingle All the Way must have sucked so hard
扼杀了我们的圣诞精神 that it killed our Christmas spirit.
所以我们才会都想自残吗 That's why we all want to cut ourselves?
所以死树再也不能让我们硬了吗 Is that why dead trees don't make us all hard anymore?
一定有办法找回我们的圣诞精神 There has to be a way to get our spirit back.
找些开心的人 喝他们的血 Ooh, find someone cheerful and drink their blood.
可以 Yes, of course.
但我们还是得用"头号玩家设备" But also, we have to use the Ready Player One Device
穿越回更好的节日电影 to go into better holiday movies.
这将是一剂爱的注射 恢复我们的节日精神 It will be a pure injection of fa‐la‐la to get our spirits back.
你是说我们能扮演所有经典圣诞电影的角色 You mean we can play parts in all the Christmas classics?
没错 外星难民要进入 That's right. The Solar Opposites are going
生活多美好
所有你最喜欢的圣诞电影了 into all your favorite Christmas movies!
生活多美好
去你的吧 Suck my ass!
我要活下去 I want to live!
-我要活下去 -我要活下去 ‐ I want to live! ‐ I want to live!
我想要动森限量版任天堂游戏机 I want a limited edition Animal Crossing Nintendo Switch
然后活下去 and to live!
红鼻子驯鹿鲁道夫
没人喜欢我们的傻鼻子 Nobody likes our stupid fucking noses.
与众不同太令人难过了 Being different sucks.
鲁道夫 我喜欢你们的红鼻子 Rudolphs, I like your red noses.
还有你们的麝香 I like your musk too.
而且现在正是我发情期的顶峰 And I'm at the height of my cycle.
我就知道 I can tell.
真爱至上
你们这是在... What are you doing out here...
你他妈别说话!
没人是完美的
你他妈别说话!
没人是完美的
你他妈别说话!
没人是完美的
你他妈别说话!
没人是完美的
♪ 让我愿望成真 ♪ ♪ Make my wish come true ♪
你他妈别说话!
没人是完美的
你他妈别说话!
没人是完美的
你他妈别说话!
没人是完美的
圣诞快乐 请背着你老公和我偷情
没人是完美的
圣诞快乐 请背着你老公和我偷情
没人是完美的
圣诞快乐 请背着你老公和我偷情
没人是完美的
圣诞快乐 请背着你老公和我偷情
没人是完美的
圣诞快乐 请背着你老公和我偷情
没人是完美的
圣诞快乐 请背着你老公和我偷情
没人是完美的
圣诞快乐 请背着你老公和我偷情
没人是完美的
圣诞快乐 请背着你老公和我偷情
爱泼斯坦不是自杀的 [美国富豪 著名恋童癖 死于狱中]
♪ 圣诞节我想要的只有你 ♪ ♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪
快看看我的圣诞精神 肯定恢复了 Check my Christmas spirit. It's gotta be back.
这下应该可以了 That should have done it.
扫描中 Scanning.
你们的圣诞精神为零 Your spirit is at zero percent.
不可能 庆祝圣诞的事我们他妈都做了 That can't be right. We've been celebrating the holiday AF[As Fuck].
我现在能感受到的只有疼痛 The only thing I can feel anymore is pain.
为什么要这样对我们 Why is this happening to us?
一定是因为我们没演完"一路响叮当" We must have residual plot sickness
被它剩余的剧情困扰了 from not finishing the plot from Jingle All the Way.
但这个故事太逊了 毫无戏剧张力 But the story sucked ass. It had no stakes.
施瓦辛格的另一部"幼儿园警探" Now, Kindergarten Cop, that was an Arnold movie
才真的会让你关心孩子的死活 where you cared if the kid lived or died.
但"头号玩家设备"不懂这些 它是中立的 Yes, but the Ready Player One Device doesn't know that. It's impartial.
它让我们扮演爸爸 就意味着 It cast us as the dad which means
即使这不值得拍一部俩小时的电影 that even if it wasn't enough to carry a two‐hour movie,
帮杰米找到玩偶也是很重要的 getting that toy for Jamie was important.
没能尽到父亲的责任 我好像是挺愧疚的 I guess I am filled with regret that I wasn't a better father to Jamie.
我们中途放弃了 铃铛就只响了半路 When we bailed, we only jingled part of the way.
明天就是圣诞节了 Christmas is tomorrow.
如果明天还找不回圣诞精神 就再没机会了 If we don't get our spirit back before it ends, we never will.
你确定吗 Are you sure?
还记得老兵纪念日发生了什么吗 Remember what happened with Veteran's Day?
我们失去了老兵纪念精神 就再也不支持军队了 We lost our Veteran's Day spirit and now we don't support the troops.
那我们该怎么办 皈依犹太教 Okay, so what do we do? Convert to Jewishism?
不 泰伦斯 我们只有一个选择 No, Terrence, there's only one thing we can do.
就是回到响叮当宇宙里 We have to go back. Back to the Jingleverse.
这一次 我们要一路响叮当 And this time, we have to jingle all the way
找回我们的圣诞精神 and take back our Christmas spirit.
一路响叮当
是的 这是艾弗雷特 好员工 走了真可惜 Yeah, that's Everett. Good worker. Sad to see him go.
他坐736路大巴去拉斯维加斯了 He's on the 736 to Las Vegas.
说想逃离家人 在那开始新生活 Says he's gonna find himself a new life away from his family
更自由地做自己 where he can be a little bit of whatever he wants.
你不会想坐我旁边的 没人想 You don't want to sit next to me. Nobody does.
一路响叮当
这是怎么回事 Whoa, what happened here?
好恶心 闻着像记号笔在轮胎里内射了 Oh, gross. It smells like a Sharpie creampied a tire.
糟了 好吧 这里显然已经过去80年了 Oh no. Oh shit. Okay. Apparently, it's 80 years later here.
可能响叮当宇宙的时间 I guess time moves a lot faster in the Jingleverse
比真实世界过得快得多 than it does in the real world.
没救了 这比以前更没有圣诞气氛了 This isn't gonna work. It's even less Christmassy than before.
也许没那么糟呢 看 还有圣诞老人 Maybe it's not so bad. Look, there's Santa.
这家伙是在拉屎吗 好恶心 Is that guy taking a shit? Eww.
操你妈 对别人嘶吼去吧 Hey, fuck you. Go hiss at someone else.
你们疯了吗 快进来 Are you crazy? Get in here. Hurry.
这些家伙都他妈是谁 Who the hell were those guys?
变异辛贝 Mutant Sinbads.
他们在街上游荡 寻找涡轮超人玩具 They roam the streets searching for Turbo Man toys.
非常暴力 专挑弱者下手 They're quick to violence and prey on the weak.
变异人 圣诞电影里不可能有变异人 Mutants? There can't be mutants in a Christmas movie.
完全就是硬塞进来的 These are completely shoehorned in.
就像"飙风战警"结尾的那只机械蜘蛛 Like that spider‐tank from the end of Wild Wild West.
[威尔·史密斯主演的美国科幻喜剧片]
我们好多年没庆祝过圣诞节了 We haven't celebrated Christmas in years.
自从杰米掌权后就没有了 Not since Jamie took over.
等等 他是我们儿子 Wait, that's our son.
我们四个外星人都是他父亲 All four of us aliens, we're his father.
我知道这有点奇怪 别在意 I know it's a little confusing, just go with it.
好嘛 你们这些父亲当得真烂 Well, you did a shit job raising him.
你们儿子是出了名的讨厌圣诞节 Your son famously hates Christmas.
他想废除所有节日活动 He wanted to get rid of any holiday activity
自从你们答应给他买涡轮超人 ever since you promised to get him a Turbo Man toy
然后抛弃了他 then abandoned him.
他都写在书里了 It's all in his book.
杰米凭借他的媒体帝国和巨额财富 Through his media empire and immense wealth,
圣诞节是个骗局
《交易的艺术》续集
把这里变成了"纽约大逃亡"[美国科幻片] Jamie transformed this town into an Escape From New York,
"人类之子""女孩梦三十"一样的反乌托邦 Children of Men, 13 Going on 30 type dystopia.
[分别是科幻片和浪漫喜剧片]
最糟糕的是 他仍逼迫我们在圣诞节 Worst part is, he still makes us have a Wintertainment Parade
晚上11点45分举行冬季大游行 at 11:45 p.m. on Christmas.
这时间也太精确了吧 而且这名字真难听 What a weirdly specific time. And a terrible name for a parade.
是真的 相信我 It's canon, trust me.
现在参加游行的都是变异人 Now the parade is filled with mutants,
穿着床垫的野人 savages wearing mattresses,
和玩空手道的痴呆圣诞老人 and demented karate‐chopping Santas.
你懂的 因为杰米小时候学过空手道 You know, 'cause Jamie did karate as a kid
他爸还是床垫销售员什么的 and his dad worked as a mattress salesman or some shit.
我从没见过这么能讲背景故事的角色 I've never met a more backstory‐explaining character in my life.
响叮当宇宙中的所有人物都很肤浅 All characters in the Jingleverse are shallow.
这种电影就是这样的 That's part of the movie's DNA.
我也是在拖延时间 好让我朋友能杀了你们 I'm also stalling so my friends can kill you
并帮我把你们的尸体煮了 and help me cook your bodies.
掠夺者们 是时候饱餐一顿了 Reavers, it's time to feast!
我们有肉吃了 We have the meats.
等下 你为什么说阿比汉堡店的标语 Wait, why are you saying the tag line from Arby's?
[美国连锁快餐品牌]
响叮当宇宙里... 也有阿比汉堡店吗 Do... do they still have Arby's in the Jingleverse?
这他妈是什么 这是我自己想的 What the fuck is an Arby's? That's just what I say.
停下 你们不需要杀了我们 Stop! No, you don't have to do this.
我从"生活多美好"里偷了吉米·史都华[饰男主]的枪 I stole Jimmy Stewart's gun from It's a Wonderful Life.
偷得好 给我吧 你会打到自己眼睛的 Good stealing. Give me that. You'll shoot your eye out.
好了 科尔沃 圣诞节快过了 我们该怎么办 Alright, Korv, Christmas is almost over. What's the plan?
我有主意了 I have an idea.
有点冒险 而且刚开始听着真的很蠢 It's a long shot, and it sounded really stupid way back at the beginning,
但如果我们想恢复圣诞精神 but if we want our Christmas spirit back,
就得给杰米搞到那个涡轮超人玩具 then we'll have to get Jamie that Turbo Man toy.
拜托 你真觉得大家都在互相残杀时 Oh please. You really think we can finish that plot
我们还能演完这个情节 when everyone is trying to eat each other?
我们别无选择 分头去找吧 We have to. Let's all spread out and search for a Turbo Man.
吉米·史都华在那部电影里什么时候有枪了 Since when did Jimmy Stewart have a gun in that movie?
那时候所有人都带着枪 Everyone used to carry a gun back then.
秀兰·邓波儿[著名童星]曾把枪塞在小妹妹里 Shirley Temple used to keep one up her hoo‐ha.
她那首"好船棒棒糖号"唱的就是这事 That's what the song Lollipop is about.
废话 谁不知道 Duh. Everyone knows that.
我们快没时间了 We're running out of time.
一小时后回到这里集合 Meet back here in an hour.
记住 别忘了传播圣诞节的欢乐 And remember, don't forget to spread the Christmas cheer.
圣诞节快乐 Merry Christmas.
♪ 圣诞佳节 我别无所求 ♪ ♪ I don't want a lot for Christmas ♪
玩具世界
小学
雪花 小糖果... 难吃的橙子巧克力 Snowflakes, sugar plums... shitty orange chocolate.
♪ 我只想身旁有你陪伴 ♪ ♪ I just want you for my own ♪
想想就好玩 坐在一匹马拉着的... What fun it is to ride on a one-horse...
一匹马拉着的敞篷... A one‐horse open...
♪ 圣诞节 我想要的只有你 ♪ ♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪
不行 没人会想见到我的 No way! Nobody wants me here.
艾弗雷特 Everett.
爸 Dad?
儿子 我爱你 真对不起 Son, I love you. I am so sorry.
我... 我以为你讨厌我有双性恋倾向 I... I thought you didn't want me to be a little bit bi.
我大错特错了 I was so wrong.
我这么做真是又恶心又愚蠢 That was super disgusting and stupid of me.
而且我发现安娜·帕奎因也有点双 Plus I found out Anna Paquin is also a little bit bi,
[加拿大女演员 出演"真爱如血""X战警""公关"]
她还是"X战警"里不可或缺的角色 and she's an integral part of the X‐Men.
你看了我的交友网 You read my LiveJournal.
有人找到该死的涡轮超人了吗 Did anybody find a goddamn Turbo Man?
我找到了一堆涡轮女超人 I found a bunch of Turbo Women.
不要 这些太烂了 只是为了抢钱 No, those suck. They were just a cash grab.
这太傻了 This is stupid.
就不能用我们的高科技做一个吗 Why can't we just use our sci‐fi stuff to make a Turbo Man?
我早试过了 I already tried.
我的3D打印机不愿侵犯版权 除非我们在关岛 My 3D printer won't break copyright unless we're in Guam.
[太平洋西部岛屿 美国海外属地]
让变异人吃掉我们算了 Let's just let the mutants eat us.
总好过这辈子都不再有快乐和光明 Better than living the rest of our lives without being merry or bright.
我就不该逼你们一起看"一路响叮当" I wish I never made us watch stupid Jingle All the Way.
我就该选一部普通的圣诞电影 I should have picked a regular Christmas movie,
比如"虎胆龙威""小魔怪"或"食人鱼3D" like Die Hard or Gremlins or Piranha 3D.
[后两部是惊悚片]
泰瑞 你他妈闭嘴 这样也好不到哪去 Shut the fuck up, Terry. We'd be in the exact same situation.
这些都不是圣诞电影 Those aren't Christmas movies.
明明就是 They are too.
发生在圣诞节的就是圣诞电影 Any movie that takes place on Christmas is a Christmas movie now.
看来"食人鱼3D"确实不是 I guess Piranha 3D doesn't.
现在就是圣诞节啊 It's Christmas right now.
是啊 我们知道 我们玩完了 Yeah, we get it. We're fucked.
并没有 But we aren't.
我们只要演完有杰米的情节就好了 We just have to finish any plot with Jamie in it.
既然是圣诞节 就都算圣诞电影 It will count as a Christmas movie 'cause it'll be on Christmas.
这不对吧 是这样的吗 That doesn't seem right. Is that how it works?
是的 天啊 我们不用演完"一路响叮当" Yeah. Oh my god, we don't have to finish Jingle All the Way.
任何故事都可以 We just have to finish any story.
那我们就去为我们80年前做的事 Then we'll end this thing by apologizing to the little boy
向这个小男孩道歉 结束这一切 for something we did 80 years ago
拯救这个该死的圣诞节吧 and save the fuck out of Christmas.
我只想说 我不该把艾弗雷特赶出家门 I just wanna say that I was wrong to kick Everett out of the house
就因为他有双性恋倾向 for being a little bit bi.
不论他是弯是直还是双 我都爱他 Gay, straight, any amount of bi, I love him no matter what.
而且我现在相信 每个人都应该做自己 And I now believe everyone should just be whoever they are.
这正是耶稣所希望的 That's what Christ would want.
阿门 Amen.
爸 谢了 Thanks, Dad.
别谢我 Don't thank me.
谢谢这个小小的蓝色陌生人 Thank this little blue stranger
让我们一家人能在圣诞节团聚 for bringing our family together for Christmas.
我能为你做点什么 Is there anything in this world I can give you
来报答你的大恩大德 that even comes close to what you've given me?
真的吗 Really?
而且它就锁在装了儿童锁的柜子里 And it's just locked up in a child‐proof cabinet?
杰米就住在顶楼 Jamie lives up there, in the penthouse.
很显然 他出人头地了 He's clearly done well for himself.
我真为我们儿子感到骄傲 I'm so proud of our little boy.
好极了 是圣诞节游行 Aw great, it's the Christmas Parade.
也就是说现在11点45分了 That means it's 11:45 p.m.
还有15分钟 圣诞节就结束了 We only have 15 minutes until Christmas is over.
我就知道这时间这么精确是有道理的 I knew that time was specific for a reason.
怎么办 他们冲我们来了 What are we gonna do? They're parading right at us.
贱人 把我写进坏孩子名单吧 Put me on the naughty list, bitch.
我认得你们这些混蛋 Hey, I know you assholes.
我们 不不不 Us? No, no, no,
我们只是玩空手道的痴呆圣诞老人 we're just a couple of demented karate‐chopping Santas.
去你妈的 我们要吃了你们 Fuck that shit. We're gonna eat you.
掠夺者们 是时候饱餐一顿了 Reavers, it's time to feast!
牛肉在哪 Where's the beef?
你总不能不知道这是温蒂汉堡店的标语吧 Okay, you have to know that tag line's from Wendy's.
这几乎是最有名的一句了 It's... it's like the most famous one.
我们好像甩掉他们了 I think we lost them.
天啊 我嘴里有脑花 Oh god, I got some brain in my mouth.
我看到一堆拿着恐怖末日武器的护卫 I'm seeing a lot of guards with crazy‐ass apocalypse weapons.
还有个家伙在卫生间里打飞机 And one guy is jerking off in the bathroom.
天啊 他真的玩很大 他在前后开动 Jesus! He's really going to town. He's fingering his own butt.
该死 我们真是倒大霉了 Damn it. We're so fucked.
男的打完飞机总会变强 Guys who jerk off are always stronger afterwards.
他们会找到我们的 救命 They're gonna find us, man.
我们要没时间了 怎么办 We're running out of time. What are we gonna do?
还来得及把这些混蛋收拾一顿 Plenty of time to carve these fuckers' new assholes
然后赶回家喝热可可 and get home in time for hot cocoa.
外星人小女孩说得对 我们能行 The little alien girl is right. We can do this.
不用武器 No weapons?
我一直在学单击死亡拳法 I've been learning how to do single blow death punches
作为给你的圣诞惊喜 as a Christmas surprise for you.
泰瑞 你真贴心 Terry, that is so thoughtful.
你怎么知道我喜欢超频的武打片 How did you know I love overclocked martial arts movies?
我注意到了 I pay attention.
杰米 你的爸爸们回家了 Jamie, your daddies are home.
而且我们是来道歉的 小天使 And we're here to apologize, you little angel.
太迟了 父亲们 You're late, fathers.
晚了八十年 Eighty years too late.
恶心 他的身体和他的灵魂一样扭曲畸形 Eww. His body's as crooked and deformed as his soul.
你一直在这制造辛贝克隆人 You've been making Sinbad clones in here?
我对你很失望 儿子 I'm disappointed in you, son.
我们来向你道歉 We came here to apologize
没给你买涡轮超人玩具 for not giving you the Turbo Man toy.
我已经有了 I already have a Turbo Man.
我集齐了所有的涡轮超人 I have all the Turbo Men.
我拒绝接受你们可悲的道歉 I refuse your pathetic apology.
我需要父亲时 你们在哪 Where were you when I needed a father?
哥们 现在流媒体平台选择太多了 Look, man, in a world with infinite streaming options,
真的没什么动力看完一整部剧 there just isn't any pressure to finish watching what you start.
"伞学院"我就只看了一集半 I only watched an episode and a half of Umbrella Academy.
你能不能别这么混蛋 接受道歉就好了 Could you just accept our apology and stop being such a dick?
你们抛弃我时 我意识到我只能靠自己 When you abandoned me, I realized I could only rely on myself.
我建立了自己的帝国和变异人军队 就为了... I built my empire and my army of mutant clones to...
谁在乎啊 圣诞节只剩一分钟了 No one cares. We only have one minute of Christmas left.
赶紧接受道歉 结束这该死的故事吧 Just accept our apology and finish this fucking story.
吃屁吧 老爸 Eat shit, Daddy.
他永远不会让我们完成情感之旅了 He's never gonna let us finish our emotional journeys,
但我们必须在这圆满结束 but we have to wrap something up here.
怎么办 What do we do?
杰米以前真是个好孩子 Jamie used to be such a good boy.
不敢相信他竟然变成了坏人... I can't believe he turned into the bad gu...
等下 Wait a minute.
又来求我原谅你了 爸 Coming over to beg me more, Dad?
不是呢 宝贝 Oh sweetie, no.
我是来痛扁你这个大反派 I'm coming over to beat the shit out of the bad guy
结束这部操蛋的电影 and finish this damn movie.
我的牙 My tooth!
我的心脏 My heart!
天啊 起作用了 Oh my god, it's working.
各位 杰米不再是我们亲爱的儿子了 Guys, Jamie's not our loving son anymore.
他是个恶棍 He's the bad guy.
我们只要把这老家伙打得屁滚尿流 All we have to do is kick this old man's dick into his ass,
就能恢复我们的节日精神了 and then we'll get our spirits back.
她说得对 这太爽了 She's right, that felt great.
父亲 不要 Father. No!
我的圣诞精神又回来了 I have the spirit of Christmas again.
我感觉好极了 I feel amazing.
历经千难万险 Against all odds,
外星人们暴打这个老混蛋时 each time the aliens struck the withered old asshole,
他们的心逐渐丰盈起来 their hearts grew bigger and bigger,
充满了圣诞的欢乐 filling with Christmas joy
直到快要跳出胸腔 until they were ready to burst.
他的血尝起来像圣诞节 This blood tastes like Christmas.
我感觉自己洋溢着温暖的节日欢乐 I feel brimming with huggy holiday jingle joy.
我们都是 We all do,
因为我们一家人一起杀了我们儿子 because we killed our son as a family,
而一家人在圣诞节一起做一些事 and doing things as a family on Christmas
最有圣诞气氛了 is the most Christmassy Christmas shit of all.
我爱你们 I love you guys.
我们真的得看完演职员表吗 Do we really have to watch the credits?
不知道 我们上次提前溜了 I don't know. Look at all the shit that happened
结果就发生了这些破事 after we bailed early last time.
还是谨慎行事吧 Best to play it safe.
["一路响叮当"演员]
丽塔·威尔逊有两个助理 Rita Wilson had two assistants?
这些演职员表有多长啊 How long are these credits?
没多少了吧 It can't be much longer.
我们这剧应该不需要太多人啊 It didn't seem like it took too many people to make this thing.
等等 好像结束了 Wait, wait, wait, I think they're over.
加拿大的第二工作组 没劲 Second Unit in Canada. Boo!
-妈的 -天啊 ‐ Fuck! ‐ Oh god!
虽然这件事可能 You know, that might have been
很繁琐 很愚蠢 很烦人 很白痴 很操蛋 a big, stupid, annoying, stupid, shitty thing to do,
但我还是挺高兴我们能一起过圣诞的 but in the end, I'm glad we spent Christmas together.
-是啊 -我想也是 ‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah, I guess so.
我们学到了 和家人共度时光 We learned that spending time as a family is more important
比试图演完90年代喜剧片更重要 than trying to finish the plot of a '90s comedy.
而且如果你仔细想想 这正是 And if you think about it, that was what Jingle All the Way
"一路响叮当"一直想教给我们的 was trying to teach us all along.
妈的 蛹仔怎么又拿到他的哈利·波特笛子了 Damn it, how did the Pupa get his Harry Potter whistle again?
泰瑞 我以为你把它锁进我们放毒镖的 Terry, I thought you locked it up in the child‐proof cabinets,
装了儿童锁的柜子里了 where we keep the poison darts.
是的 没错 我把它藏在毒镖后面了 I did, I did, I put it behind the poison darts.
这首歌真烦人 That song is so annoying.
蛹仔 你甚至都没跟我们一起过圣诞 You didn't even do any of the Christmas stuff with us, Pupa.
-你太坏了 -他怎么总能拿到那玩意儿 ‐ You're bad. ‐ How does he keep getting that thing?
他是出去找人帮忙了吗 Is he, like, out getting help?
谁会帮他啊 Who would do that?
他甚至都不会说完整的句子 He can't even complete a full sentence.
祝大家圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas, everyone.